Praise You through the storm

I have wondered how someone that knows God, knows the truth about God and seen so many miracles God has done for them and those around them could walk away from God.  Ive come to that crossroad, stay on the path i've known and trusted for most of my life or take that one step that would lead me into a world that will take me further from God than I had ever wanted to be.

It all started when i got a text message saying a friend dear to my heart, who I haven't seen or talked to in years had "gone home to be with the Lord."  My heart sank because what i knew was that he did not believe in God. An atheist going home to be with The Lord? That doesn't make sense to me!  The next few days were filled with a darkness, a heaviness that was overwhelming. I cried, I prayed, I replayed memories of waking in the middle of the night to pray for him, memories of every Halloween wanting to text happy birthday but not.  Memories of little things he said or things we did that now replay overwhelmingly over and over in my mind.  It didn't help that at church we heard a testimony on how God saved this girl from suicide...it took everything in me not to burst into tears.  I thought how could God save her but not George?  Although I praised God for her life, I felt awful about George, and why didn't God give me the opportunity to save him, haunted my mind.

Subtly, it began with not wanting to read my bible.  It seemed as if everything I read, which should have been encouraging caused me to feel depressed. Worship songs were painful to sing. All I could think while singing was, God I know you are good but why, how could this happen?  My mind was becoming consumed with the what ifs.  What if I prayed for him more, what if I texted him every time I thought about it, what if I was still a part of his life, would he have still wanted to die.  I could feel the battle going on for my life.  I could use this situation for good or I could continue to want to blame myself and God for what happened.  My heart was heavy and I felt only despair.  It was as if my joy was stolen and was being forced to remain sad.  No matter how I tried, I was stuck in a cloud of darkness, waiting for something to happen.  Visions of seeing his family and wanting them to comfort me in my pain passed my mind until I saw his mom and brother.  I stood there panic'd, that they would see me, they didn't.  I watched from afar the pain and sadness their eyes held and thought how selfish I had become.  

That night I confessed to my minichurch group my pain.  My heart was beating so fast and hard as each person said there prayer request.  I almost bursted into tears throughout the whole minichurch waiting for this moment.  I told them how I had been consumed by what happened to George and how I felt the spiritual battle going on inside of me.  Streams of tears flooded my cheeks, I could barely form a sentence without grasping for air through my tears.  I poured out my heart and confessed that I didn't have anything to be thankful for.  Although in the midst of my crying, I felt my heavy heart becoming lighter and I felt the overwhelming compassion these people had for me.

Looking at Sweet Sabrina with my tearful eyes, she asks if she could pray for me.  They anointed my head and my hands with oil and prayed over me.  My depressed spirit was met with an overwhelming sense of love, compassion, hope and light.  As each of them prayed I could feel weight dropping and comfort enveloping me.  As I prayed, I could see chains being broken.  I had been in such a dark place for 8 days and this light brought healing, I knew this light was where I was supposed to be.


This verse was God's positively lovingly way of disciplining me:
"The seeds on the rocky soil represent those who hear the message and receive it with joy. But since they don't have deep roots, they believe for a while, then they fall away when they face temptation."
—Luke 8:13
He said to me, you are not called to have shallow roots Robin,  you do not have shallow roots, why have you forgotten everything that I have done for you?     

He also spoke to me thorough the Casting Crown's song Praise you in the Storm.  Especially the part in the song where it says I barely hear you whisper through the rain "I'm with you" and then it goes into quote psalm 121:1-2, I lift my eyes unto the hills where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord.  The maker of Heaven and Earth.

I have no doubt that by anointing me with oil and praying over me caused my angel to win the battle. It reminded me of how Daniel's angel was blocked by the spirit prince of the kingdom of Persia and how the archangel Michael had to come to help him.  My minichurch family were all my angels coming to rescue me.  Today I look back and can praise God for He is good.  I was in a bad place.  I allowed my thoughts and memories to get the best of me.  I believed the lies that we're filling my head and allowed my insecurities to be louder than who I am in Christ Jesus!  Praise God that I had the courage to ask for prayer that night.

Ephesians 2:10

Insanity

Back in September...September 9th to be exact, I started a weight loss challenge with 6 other women from my church. Well they started it and I crashed it. We call ourselves The Phatties! The conditions were to eat 3 sensible meals, exercise and no crash dieting to see who could lose the most weight.

I had a wonderful idea of doing the Beachbody workout Insanity with Shaun T. My first workout was the fit test...I thought I was going to have heart attack from how fast my heart was beating...no joke!!! And the sweat...oh girl was I sweating! The program is for 60 days, you workout 6 days a week and get 1 rest day. I loved the rest days!! My only regret is I didn't finish the workout, my life didn't allow me to finish the last week of the program. Not that it would have made a huge difference in my weight loss experience anyway, because I didn't lose any weight! It would have been nice to say I finished Insanity. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm glad I hung on as long as I did,however it would have made it a little more worthwhile if I saw better results. Maybe I should have done all the protein shakes and not eaten the 2nd piece of cake at any chance I got, or maybe I shouldn't have had the mentality that I worked out today so I can eat whatever I want! Yup...I see the error of my ways! Doing the Insanity workout wasn't all in vain. Even though I haven't seen a change on the scale, I have seen a change in the way my body looks and feels, i have more endurance! My clothes are a lot less tight fitting, I look skinny in my "skinny jeans" and I don't feel like I have to hide my belly as much! I definitely don't look like the girls on the DVDs with there 6 pack abs and super toned thighs but I'm getting there. I may never reach that kind of body but somehow it doesn't bother me!

I'm still taking my medication for hypertension, even though I'm exercising my doctor doesn't want me to stop taking it until I show a significant loss in weight or inches! I know I've set goals in the past to get down to a certain weight but my thinking was not right! My goal now, is to get healthy enough to be able to get off the medication!

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Phillipians 4:13

4 months...

I'm just about 4 months into this thing called hypertension and I feel great!
I feel as if January was so long ago and I've been dealing with this for a while now. My attitude has changed my diet has changed and in the process my weight has changed. I'm not depressed about food anymore. I feel as if I have new taste buds. I don't want processed foods anymore. I've been reading labels, I've always been a label reader but now I'm a maniac! Making sure most of the ingredients are real food and not chemicals. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that I don't eat any processed or chemically packed foods, I'm just saying I'm eating them ALOT less. My eating habits are changing and I'm happy about it!

Another thing that changed is I am now taking a medication for the hypertension. I'm hoping with my continued weight loss, my doctor will help me to get off the medication. My next appointment is June 19th...we'll see!! Apparently, the medication I'm taking has protective properties for my heart...okay! I'm okay with that, for now!

I haven't been exercising as much as I should! I started exercising with a beach body DVD...I got bored! I walk...sometimes and I dance with the Kinect! Hopefully I will find my groove with this exercising thing!!

I've been reading weight loss blogs that are inspiring and seeing pictures of their journey amazes me! I know I can do this, I know I can become healthy again. God says I am his masterpiece, beautifully and wonderfully made...I need to start acting like it! I need to clean out the temple!!!
Lord Jesus thank you thank you thank you for giving me endurance! I know I can do this with you. Thank you for loving me so much that you died for me. Father help me to continue to make wise choices and please be there when I fail. Help me to help others, give me a special blessing of your grace Lord thank you for your grace and mercy. Amen

Food

Eating has been a big challenge for me this week. I'm so used to eating whatever I want. I've never been the type of person to restrict myself from eating anything.

This week I've had a few days of feeling depressed, mostly because I was eating the same chicken and broccoli for 3 days. The morning that I made steel cut oatmeal with almond milk, brown sugar and fresh blueberries helped to pick me up ALOT! I finally had something different to eat! And it was good. I didn't think about food, I almost skipped lunch but didn't cause I knew I needed to eat!

Last night I had dinner at a friends house, I was nervous, everything looked good but salty!! I made myself a small plate spaghetti and because it was there I added a scoop of beef enchilada casserole. I know this sounds like a bunch of bologna but the enchiladas were super salty and it took everything in me to finish the first bite. Now the spaghetti was perfect! My friend later told me that she didn't use any salt in the spaghetti just for me! Thank you Tetchie!!!

I haven't started exercising at all! I know I should be! I know I will start soon...I'm lazy and I know it!!

I took photos of some of my food this week. Oatmeal, dried cherries and nuts, salad with manicotti and raw key lime pie! Yummy!!!!

Hypertension

Last week I had an appointment with a physical therapist for a pinched nerve in my neck. As he was taking my vitals he made me aware that my blood pressure was pretty high...130 over 100. I had no idea what that meant but could tell he was concerned about it! So I went about my day with the physical therapist's face in the back of my mind. Being the investigator that I am I turned to google to find out what my blood pressure score meant. To my surprise...I need to be concerned about it!!!
What do I do? Where do I start?
All the articles I've read about hypertension always start with if you are over weight you must lose weight! Great! I gotta lose weight! I was just saying that I like being fat...but you know what they say about sarcastic people, they are just hiding their true feelings!

Yes I want to lose weight, yes I want to feel healthier and yes I would like to fit into my cute clothes again. So here I am ready to embark on probably one of the hardest things I will have to do in my life. It's easy for me to get fat...now I'm gonna struggle to get skinny!

Here's my plan.
Pray that God will give me strength to get my blood pressure lowered, by making better choices in what I eat and exercising. Right now the only exercise I do is walking to and from my car at work!

I'm unsure of the type of exercise I will do. I love yoga so maybe that's what I'll do! I may even learn all the dance moves on Just Dance 3 for the Xbox 360 Kinect!! Hahaha

So here it is January 17,2012
Blood pressure: 130/100
Weight: 167
BMI: 30.5

My goal is by July 7,2012
Blood pressure: 110/70
Weight: 150
BMI: 27.4

Lord Jesus thank you for being a God of second chances. I invite you to come with me on this journey, I ask for strength in avoiding foods that will do my body harm and I pray that you will give me patience while on this journey. Thank you for hearing my prayers!

Genuinely Loving is hard!

Here's my thoughts as I read Romans 12:9-18Genuinely love one another!This is something I struggle with. Loving someone genuinely...how do you do that? It's easy to love someone that is nice or helpful or has beauty but what about someone who is mean or rude or doesn't have a pleasant odor! How is it possible to love then? Choosing to love one another is hard...sometimes! I remember a hard moment I was having with my mom, who was terminally ill. She had become what I thought was bitter and rude but looking back she was still the very same stubborn person I knew and loved. We were having a pretty difficult day and she was not allowing me to help her...pushing me away, yelling, looking at me with disgust! So finally I told her with my hands thrown to the ground "you are making it hard to love you!" what a statement to say. How could that be possible? I already loved her. Why did I allow my thoughts go pass my lips? Why did I feel that I could unlove her? Was I only pretending to love her? She was just as surprised by my comment, as I was, that I could actually say that to her, out loud! Romans 12:9-10 convicts me always! I don't want to just pretend to love people, I want to love them! I want to be able to deny myself in order to love someone else. I want to be able to see a person and genuinely love them the same way Jesus sees me and LOVES me! I regret that moment I had with my mom because I hurt her feelings. But what the enemy doesnt want me to remember what took place after that day...God gave me many more days with her. Days filled with silly laughter, days filled with naps together, nights of watching Emit Smith on Dancing with the stars. days of her listening to me sing Grease lightening for the thousandth time. Days filled with love. Often times I forget about my victories and only focus on my struggles. Thank you Jesus that there is no condemnation for those who are in you. And thank you for your Grace in reminding me of our victorious future. Lord help me to love like you love. Fill me with more of you everyday. Give me your eyes so that I can see what you see. Forgive me Father. Help me to be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to get irritated.

Instagram

Photography

For as long as I can remember I have been fascinated with photographers.  There's something about a person holding a camera, whether it's a little child holding a play camera, a mother whipping out her point and shoot to capture her child doing something "pretty amazing" to a professional with all their lenses, flashes and all the other gizmos and gadgets they lug around.  To be able to capture a single second in someone's life is amazing to me.

I remember the first camera I got as a kid...it was a polaroid!  My first subject was of my sister in our front yard.  Waiting as the colors slowing populated the little film.  Oh I forgot to mention how I had to shake it too!  (shake it like a polaroid picture)  hahaha  To see the moment actually coming to life on a little square piece of paper brought excitement to two little Kaneohe girls.

see i'm sleeping!

I've never been comfortable in front of the camera.  Most pictures of me end up either looking as if I'm stiff, fake smiling or sleeping.  Watching celebrities on the red carpet trips me out...they don't blink!!!  Some pose then look down or to the side then once they look up again they keep their eyes open.  Even with all those flashes....I wish I could to that.  Now behind the camera is fun!  I wouldn't say I'm any better at being behind the camera than in front but I feel more comfortable when I'm trying to capture a moment rather than being the moment.  I wouldn't say that I have an eye for photography either but I will say, that when I'm holding a camera most of my photos will be over exposed, out of focus, too close and down right terrible.  However, every once and awhile, I will find a gem of a photo and just be amazed that my eye actually captured it.  Maybe I'm being a little hard on myself...maybe not!  We are our own worst critics, right?!

I've recently left Facebook for another social networking site, it's called Instagram!  If you have an iphone, love photography and can't or won't keep up with all the workings of fb, get Instagram!  It's a fun way to share your photography skills or in my case, my lack of photography skills in a non creepy way!  Have you every heard of Facebook stalking?!?

This weekend will be a little interesting.  I've been asked to be an assistant to a photographer for a fundraiser event.  I'm hoping, well, more like praying that God gives me his strength and his creative artistic ability to be able to get some good shots.  It should be somewhat simple...I hope!  My instructions were, one, take as many pictures as possible and two, of everything!

Great!  I think I can do that!