Praise You through the storm

I have wondered how someone that knows God, knows the truth about God and seen so many miracles God has done for them and those around them could walk away from God.  Ive come to that crossroad, stay on the path i've known and trusted for most of my life or take that one step that would lead me into a world that will take me further from God than I had ever wanted to be.

It all started when i got a text message saying a friend dear to my heart, who I haven't seen or talked to in years had "gone home to be with the Lord."  My heart sank because what i knew was that he did not believe in God. An atheist going home to be with The Lord? That doesn't make sense to me!  The next few days were filled with a darkness, a heaviness that was overwhelming. I cried, I prayed, I replayed memories of waking in the middle of the night to pray for him, memories of every Halloween wanting to text happy birthday but not.  Memories of little things he said or things we did that now replay overwhelmingly over and over in my mind.  It didn't help that at church we heard a testimony on how God saved this girl from suicide...it took everything in me not to burst into tears.  I thought how could God save her but not George?  Although I praised God for her life, I felt awful about George, and why didn't God give me the opportunity to save him, haunted my mind.

Subtly, it began with not wanting to read my bible.  It seemed as if everything I read, which should have been encouraging caused me to feel depressed. Worship songs were painful to sing. All I could think while singing was, God I know you are good but why, how could this happen?  My mind was becoming consumed with the what ifs.  What if I prayed for him more, what if I texted him every time I thought about it, what if I was still a part of his life, would he have still wanted to die.  I could feel the battle going on for my life.  I could use this situation for good or I could continue to want to blame myself and God for what happened.  My heart was heavy and I felt only despair.  It was as if my joy was stolen and was being forced to remain sad.  No matter how I tried, I was stuck in a cloud of darkness, waiting for something to happen.  Visions of seeing his family and wanting them to comfort me in my pain passed my mind until I saw his mom and brother.  I stood there panic'd, that they would see me, they didn't.  I watched from afar the pain and sadness their eyes held and thought how selfish I had become.  

That night I confessed to my minichurch group my pain.  My heart was beating so fast and hard as each person said there prayer request.  I almost bursted into tears throughout the whole minichurch waiting for this moment.  I told them how I had been consumed by what happened to George and how I felt the spiritual battle going on inside of me.  Streams of tears flooded my cheeks, I could barely form a sentence without grasping for air through my tears.  I poured out my heart and confessed that I didn't have anything to be thankful for.  Although in the midst of my crying, I felt my heavy heart becoming lighter and I felt the overwhelming compassion these people had for me.

Looking at Sweet Sabrina with my tearful eyes, she asks if she could pray for me.  They anointed my head and my hands with oil and prayed over me.  My depressed spirit was met with an overwhelming sense of love, compassion, hope and light.  As each of them prayed I could feel weight dropping and comfort enveloping me.  As I prayed, I could see chains being broken.  I had been in such a dark place for 8 days and this light brought healing, I knew this light was where I was supposed to be.


This verse was God's positively lovingly way of disciplining me:
"The seeds on the rocky soil represent those who hear the message and receive it with joy. But since they don't have deep roots, they believe for a while, then they fall away when they face temptation."
—Luke 8:13
He said to me, you are not called to have shallow roots Robin,  you do not have shallow roots, why have you forgotten everything that I have done for you?     

He also spoke to me thorough the Casting Crown's song Praise you in the Storm.  Especially the part in the song where it says I barely hear you whisper through the rain "I'm with you" and then it goes into quote psalm 121:1-2, I lift my eyes unto the hills where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord.  The maker of Heaven and Earth.

I have no doubt that by anointing me with oil and praying over me caused my angel to win the battle. It reminded me of how Daniel's angel was blocked by the spirit prince of the kingdom of Persia and how the archangel Michael had to come to help him.  My minichurch family were all my angels coming to rescue me.  Today I look back and can praise God for He is good.  I was in a bad place.  I allowed my thoughts and memories to get the best of me.  I believed the lies that we're filling my head and allowed my insecurities to be louder than who I am in Christ Jesus!  Praise God that I had the courage to ask for prayer that night.

Ephesians 2:10